I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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