So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
