Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
where are my pants?
in the oven.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
