I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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