I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
