Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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