We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
