Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
