Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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