evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
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