sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
