I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
