I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize