I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
