I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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