i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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