My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
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