i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Randomize
