We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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