I accidentally had phone sex last night
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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