Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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