I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
The Olympian is in my bed
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
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