winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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