I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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