seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
