He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
