I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
