I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
