I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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