i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
