just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
