Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
