I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
