i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
