Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
50% drunk capacity currently
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Randomize
