Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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