when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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