cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize