I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize