so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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