the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
