Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
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