I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize