I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
