I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
