Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I can't turn off my feet"
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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