Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
