dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
