i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
