your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
