Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
