Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
i need some magic done to my vagina
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
