Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
