I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
