Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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