So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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