drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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